C'est la vie.

happy fucking friday.

2009-12-19T00:36:21Z

So it's snowing like crazy and it's beautiful and white and perfect and it's Christmastime.
.
And I am sitting by myself in my room in my parents' house feeling very impossibly far away from anyone I'd want to be with when it's snowing outside. I hate that I have to be here right now. I hate that I have to work at 9 tomorrow morning no matter what the weather does. I hate that I probably won't get to go downtown tomorrow night because of this damn snow. Saturday nights are the ONLY nights I get to stay overnight in Richmond. And I just happen to be PARTICULARLY excited about THIS weekend. I don't even know whyyy but I was so exciiited. Now I'm just pissed off and frustrated and I don't want to be in this house or this room that I slept in when I was 12 and I don't want to listen to my parents watch terrible sitcoms on TV but that's ALL they do here because they work too hard during the day to ACTUALLY spend any real time with us and I wish they wouldn't make me feel like my situation right now is my fault because it's not really. I didn't know that VCU would return my loans. I didn't know I'd have to pay back all of my tuition from last semester. I was not made aware of any of this by my VCU advisors when I withdrew from classes. I blame them for that. I don't think I should have to pay back the tuition from last semester because I was ill-advised when asked how withdrawing would affect my finances with VCU. If I didn't have this stupid bill I could have moved out more than a month ago. I could be where I want to be, where I should be. Which is not here.
.
I'm so tired of this fucking situation. I'm miserable living here. I have a very small number of friends that actually show any interest in what happened to me after I withdrew from classes. I feel very alone and very far away from the life I had started on my own. I don't feel like I even have a life of my own anymore.
.
I can't even cry without someone making me feel shitty about being sad. That helps loads.
.
My mom wants me to go back to therapy. She just can't understand why I have weird mood swings or why I cry sometimes. Crying is just a release for me. Shit builds up and I just need to cry. She thinks it's more than that though; she thinks I'm depressed; she thinks I have un-dealt with issues. But really, it's so much simpler than that. This is not where I want to be. This is not the life I wish I was living. This is not the young adulthood I had in mind. I am unhappy with just about every aspect of my life right now. I'm living at home. I haven't been in school for months. I have been working my ass off trying to make enough money to pay off this VCU debt. I won't be able to move out until after the spring semester is over probably. I'm lonely as all hell. I don't meet anyone new or get to see the people I do know often. So, Mom, I'm not depressed. I'm just FUCKING miserable with my life. Sorry if you don't want one of your precious children to be unhappy but stop trying to make me feel like I have problems that I don't know how to handle. It's not that at all. I'm at a shitty point in my life. And I don't care if you're an optimist or a pessimist, but when you find yourself in a shitty situation, it's still shitty no matter how you look at it. I know things could be worse. I know I'm lucky to have what I have blahblahblah but how about what I WANT for myself? Doesn't it matter anymore what people WANT out of life? I don't want to be 20 and living at home and owing lots of money all over the place and working 37 hours every week and barely ever getting to sleep anywhere but my parents' house. I don't want to write passive aggressive Facebook statuses and Livejournal entries. I don't want to be unhappy, but I am. I wish I could love living here, I honestly do. It'd be easier on ALL of us. But this was not my choice. This is not my life.
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My dad thinks I "pissed away 2 years of college." I've asked him repeatedly not to phrase it that way. I've explained that at the end of high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life so I picked something I liked, theatre, and the department which I entered, Theatre VCU, was not the right place for me. And although it did take me 2 years to figure out that department wasn't the right place for me, at least I didn't drop out. Believe me, I considered it. Dad thinks I'm not focused enough. I haven't proven that I'm a responsible person capable of making my own decisions or living on my own. I know it's hard to believe, but maybe, JUST FUCKING MAYBE, the world is a little different now than it was when he went to college. The transition into college was a lot harder for me than it is for some people. And I'M NOT FUCKING HIM. He thinks I'm doing EXACTLY what he did. Sorry dad, you're wrong again. I didn't go partying every weekend and take random road trips with my buddies to Mexico. I had a hard time getting used to college life and I was depressed for a while, and yes, I did have little academic focus. Because I was trying to figure out what the hell I was doing there. Sometimes I think I may have known all along that Theatre VCU wasn't going to be right for me. But I kept trying, despite what my transcript looks like, I DID keep trying. But the thing is, I wasn't going to succeed there. So even IF I had written that paper I didn't write or hadn't missed that test, it is likely I would have ended up in this very same place. So fuck you, dad. Stop trying to make me out to be the fuck-up you think you were.
.
No one fucking understands me here.
I'm not supposed to be here.

In reality, I'm fine.

2009-11-13T05:42:46Z

I have someplace to live. I have a job. I make good money, and save most of it at that (and by most I mean whatever I don't have to pay VCU). I have a loving family. I have loving friends. I shouldn't complain.
.
But I'm finding it really hard to like anything about myself these days. I have zero confidence in myself right now. How can I? I'm forced to be a dependent. I make my own money, but I give half of it to my mom. Nothing seems fair or right. Nothing makes me happy. Parts of me have become that indifferent and apathetic person I hated two years ago. I can't get comfortable no matter what I do. I can't sleep unless I pop 3 Tylenol PMs an hour before I go to bed. I always wake up half an hour before I have to be at work, no matter what alarm(s) I set, which barely gives me time to get dressed and brush my hair before I have to drive half way to Powhatan; so I never feel presentable. I feel like I always look like I just got out of bed, which means I feel like I always look kind of shitty, which means I feel shitty about myself. As superficial as it may seem, when I have the time to put thought and effort into getting ready, I feel like I look more put together, more presentable, and generally better about myself. I feel like I look more like a contributing and useful person and less like an uncouth crazy person.
.
I don't feel human. I don't feel anything. I get up and go to work. I do a good job. I go home. Sometimes I go to the city. Sometimes I sit in my room by myself. I read a lot. I'm knitting more. I have to occupy myself or I break down. My family watches a lot of TV and I've found that I can hardly even focus on TV anymore. My mind wanders. I get emotional for no reason, or seemingly no reason to those around me. They don't know what to make of me here. It's not right for me here. But I don't have any options. I feel so fucking limited and by my own hand. I did this. I got myself stuck in this horrid place that I can't seem to find a way out of.
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I feel completely alone through it all too. My family doesn't understand me. They think I'm irrationally unhappy here. I don't have a good reason to not be the grateful and adoring tenant they think I should be. I even feel like my friends don't really understand. Despite all I've said about my situation here, very few friends have enough knowledge and understanding of my family and my past to completely know the struggles I am going through now. I feel lost in the dark. I've never been afraid of the dark until now.
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All I want is to get away from this. I don't want to live at home anymore. I don't think it's helping me find my way. I don't really even want to be at VCU anymore, but I've made it pretty impossible for myself to transfer. I don't want to drop out. I don't want to work at the jewelry store for the rest of forever. This was all just supposed to be temporary. All of it.
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My mother thinks that she can comfort me. Oh how I wish she was right. I miss the times where she could fix it all. I miss the times when I felt comforted about anything. I miss the times when I had any control over any aspect of my own life.
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I wish I had more hope. I'm usually better about that. I'm usually better about keeping the goal in sight. But every time I try to catch a glimpse of my goals, they seem further and further away. Stuck at indefinitely postponed, or forever being pulled into the horizon. Either way, always out of reach.
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I feel completely helpless and hopeless and useless.
I feel like I should go back to therapy.
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And to top everything off. Of course. Go me. I feel really guilty for feeling the way I do. Silly Caitlyn. You know you're not supposed to apologize for how you feel, right? I feel so guilty that I can't be who my parents think I should be. I feel so guilty that I'm sad all the time. I feel so guilty that I can't just be happy at home or anywhere. I know how stupid it sounds. I know how stupid it is. But I can feel the weight of guilt on me physically. I feel so heavy now. Like there's always an elephant sitting on my shoulders.
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I get so low sometimes these days that I actually hope things won't get better for me. As if that would justify my unhappiness. So I won't feel so guilty for being unhappy. I guess. I don't know.
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I really fucking wish the sun would fucking come out already.

Buzz kill.

2009-10-12T00:53:38Z

So I had a pretty awesome weekend. Got to hang with Cass on Friday night. Worked Saturday. Went out to Louisa last night for some bonfire shenanigans. Met Johan's parents tonight. Blah blah blah everything is fine.
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I asked permission to do one thing this week and was told no. How old am I? They're lucky I even fucking ask; and I'm usually already planned to go. I ask out of respect. Not for permission.
.
But apparently, I have "a lot of myself to prove" to them. That's what I was told.
.
I need to get out of here as soon as possible. How can I prove that I'm responsible and independent if I have to have permission to go out? How can I prove that I can make it on my own when I'm not on my own? I'm so tired of trying to "prove" myself. Maybe if they'd take the time to get to know me they'd understand. I learn things differently that most people. And whatever this is that's going on, whatever the hell you want to call this living situation. Whatever it is. It's. Not. Working.

There's no denying it.

2009-10-09T03:03:16Z

I am a hater.
.
Things I hate right now:
-I hate that I don't feel like I have any control over my life anymore.
-I hate that I don't feel like I have any distinct direction anymore.
-I hate that I'm 20 years old and sleeping in the same room as I did when I was 12 years old.
-I hate everything about the way I look right now.
-I hate that Stella won't let me love her. It's been more than a year bitch, get used to me.
-I hate that I'm single.
-I hate VCU for making everything so GAWDDAMNED complicated. I don't understand how anyone these days could possible get in and out of college in 4 years, no questions asked.
-I hate that I feel so disconnected from everyone in my life.
-I hate that I feel so disconnected from myself.
-I hate that nothing really excites me anymore, except for Ryan's field party this weekend. I'm excited about that.
-I hate that my dad got me my job.
-I hate that nothing I do or say around my family seems like it matters at all.
-I hate how my parents make me feel like a complete fuck-up and burden to them.
-I hate that even though I'm making my own money now, my mom still makes me feel shitty if I want to buy myself one new thing.
-I hate my addiction to cigarettes. It's a gross habit, and although I do enjoy it, I hate how much money I spend on that. It's stupid.
-I hate that I don't feel like I've made any new connections with anyone in a really long time. Are we starting to bore each other? Or are we just becoming predictable to one another? We never discover anything new about each other anymore.
-I hate that I can destroy an entire box of tissues in one night if I get upset enough.
-I hate myself for not taking better care of my car over the years. It's turning into a real piece of shit.
-I hate myself for not maintaining more than one or two friendships from high school. No one knows the old me anymore, and that would explain a lot about who I am now.
-I hate how I put everything that happens to me in profound terms.
-I hate that I let all the little things feel really damn big all the time.
-I hate that I don't have plans for Halloween yet. Even though it's still early. I always wait until the last minute and have lame costumes and always feel unprepared and uncreative. It's one of the best holidays there are and I always blow it.
-I hate that I let a lot of different things hurt me. And I hate that I let a lot of different things hurt me for a long time.
-I hate that I can't forgive myself for things I did before I understood what I was doing.
-I hate that I cry until I get headaches and can't sleep.
-I hate that I'm only 100% honest with very few people. I don't even know why I tell some of the lies I tell.
-I hate that my life isn't easier. And I hate myself for thinking that.
-I hate hating so much.

..
It is easy to hate, and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.
-Rene Descartes

Home sweet home?

2009-10-01T18:35:51Z

Dear Santa,
I know it's early, but this is kind of a big request. So it might take a little longer to get for Christmas. I've been a pretty good girl this year, and for Christmas, I would like nothing more than to have control over my own life again.
All the best, and see you soon!
Caitlyn.

latelatelate

2009-09-29T08:25:55Z

i still cant sleep. i went to bed five and a half hours ago. i tried to sleep for two hours and it was working out so i read for a while and tried to sleep again then got online for a while and tried to sleep again. blahblahblah. insomnia makes me crazy. i have bad thoughts at night when i'm alone and can't sleep. i become very pessimistic and very insecure and very dangerous to myself. you'd think at some point you'd grow out of this bullshit.
.
and fucking facebook has been down this ENTIRE time. i cant log in. i cant check my site. i cant stalk anybody. i cant distract myself from the terrible thoughts i'm thinking tonight. what are insomniacs supposed to do without facebook? fuckfuckfuckfuck.
.
someone turn my thoughts off. turn them down. i dont want to hear them anymore tonight. please. i need rest. i need to leave myself alone.
.
i reeeaaalllllllllyyy want to go away for a few days.

Restless Again.

2009-09-29T05:50:36Z

I don't know where to begin. I have so much to say these days but the words that come to mind never seem quite right. I feel like a younger version of myself. I feel like I did in high school. Back when everything was one big question mark. And I suppose that makes sense. I've put Theatre VCU behind me. It was never right for me to begin with. Today was my first day without classes. Weird. Nate told me not being in school helps you appreciate it a lot more. I can already tell that's true. I found myself looking at what classes I can take in the spring. I don't know where life is going to take me. I guess I never did, however, the options seem endless now. At first, I was relieved. Goodbye Theatre VCU and good riddance! But I've realized that maybe I stuck it out so long not because of my love of it, but for my lack of passion for anything else. Acting is right for me, but not Theatre VCU. I've done a pretty good job ensuring that I won't be able to transfer anywhere. So I'm not sure where to go from here. I can pretty much get a degree in anything I want now. But this doesn't change the fact that I was never concerned with the degree at all.
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I'm really lonely. To the point where my throat gets tight when I think about how long it's been since I've been involved with anyone. To the point where I've started wondering what could possibly be so wrong with me that no one can stand to be attracted to me in any real sense. To the point where I'm counting down the days until I turn 21 so I can go to bars and maybe meet people that way...I feel desperate and vulnerable and I hate that. I hate this time of year for always making me feel this way. I hate that I'm hardly interested in anyone and when I am something always gets in the way.
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I feel more disconnected than I have in a really long time. I miss everyone. Even the people I hang out with. Even when I'm hanging out with them. I'm not sure I've ever missed anyone I was in the presence of before.
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My stomach hurts all the time. And I can't sleep at night. And I don't want to talk to anyone usually.
I'm going through a weird transition, and I'm not sure how it's going to turn out.
I'm not sure of anything at this point.
.
I really want to go away for a few days.

Back to school..

2009-08-20T03:09:34Z

So classes start tomorrow. I'm embarking upon my fifth semester at VCU. This year should be my junior year, but I suppose I'm more of a "super sophomore" than anything else. I'm feeling pretty good about this year. I think I might finally be in the right mindset to get this whole college thing right. Ha. I can't really have another bad semester. I don't think I'd come back again. But I've grown and changed a lot since I first started here. Even since last semester, just this summer alone, I know I've changed a lot. My view of myself and my capabilities is much clearer. I suppose I'm finally starting to understand who I'm becoming. It took me a little longer than some. But I'm here. And I'm ready. And I will not be brought down by my own insecurities anymore.
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On a different note, living at home has been better than I expected. I miss the city all the time though. Especially at night. I miss hearing the trains pass through. I miss being able to leave after 10pm without coming up with an excuse. But it's been good for me so far, and I can only hope that it will help me improve further. However, I still don't want to spend more than this semester commuting.
.
I miss dating. LOL. I know that's really the last thing I should probably be concerned about right now. But you know, it's been a while. I've been rockin' the singlehood, and it hasn't been awful at all. But I feel like I'm finally starting to get to a point where I'd be open enough to get close to someone again. And I wouldn't mind that in the least!

It's more of a curse, really.

2009-08-17T21:28:41Z

I always know when something is wrong. I don't know. I don't want to call it a "sense" or whatever. But I always know.
People have been amazed sometimes.
"How do you do that?"
"How could you tell something was up?"
"How do you always know?"
I don't know. I don't know. I don't fucking know. But I always know.
This is usually how I find things out that people don't really plan to tell me. Because I always know. And I always ask.
"Are you okay?"
"Hey, what's up, really?"
Other people think it's cool that I can always tell. It enables me to ask, you see. And that gives them the opportunity to share whatever they're going through with another person. And I'm glad I can provide that. I always want to be here for everyone in my life.
But I always know. That's why I worry so much all the time. That's why I have anxiety problems. Its weird and I'm getting waaay too abstract about it; which is why I don't talk about this to anyone, really. I know it sounds crazy. It's one of my only secrets, in a way.
But I always know. And it always breaks my heart.

Home sweet home.

2009-08-05T07:22:07Z

So I've moved home, and despite how much I dreaded the thought of living here before it happened, I always end up here. I make arrangements to stay out and come back whenever I want the next day. But around 3 or 4 am, there's no place I'd rather be than in my bed in my mom's house.
.
[the roads i know will never take me anywhere but here]
.
Funny how that worked out..

cofte24 @ 2009-07-29T01:29:00

2009-07-29T05:31:33Z

Sometimes I really hate being alone but have 0% motivation to go find anyone to hang out with.
Sometimes I really think I'm going crazy.

packing sucks!

2009-07-26T10:44:38Z

I'm going to miss this place more than I expected to. Despite all the shit that went down here, I really think I benefited from living here. My room is huge and empty again. I forgot how scared I was when I first moved in until tonight. Sleeping on the floor of my empty room, completely alone for the night, I had forgotten! Every floor creak, every passing by street conversation, every siren...I have to admit I got up once or twice to make sure what I was hearing wasn't in my apartment. And the roof jumpers were out! Which is terrifying. I swear it sounded like there were dancing elephants on my roof.
.
1627 looks so different to me now.
I really hope I can still see the boys once we all move out. It's really unfortunate that we didn't all hang out until the last 3 months of our 12 month lease.

cofte24 @ 2009-07-24T22:21:00

2009-07-25T02:33:41Z

I called my therapist yesterday, in a panic.
.
I said, "What if the sky falls again?"
.
and she said, "Well, what if you fall in love?"
.
.

.
I hesitated because I knew I cared more than he did.
And I don't want to fall for this one.

A little upset.

2009-07-18T08:39:36Z

First off, I want to admit that I've been really good this summer. I've been relatively happy, for me, at least. I don't cry as much. LOL.
.
But tonight, I started and couldn't stop. I let my mind get the better of me. I let myself break down for the first time in months. I cried. I bought a pack of cigarettes. I wanted physical pain to match how my heart feels, but didn't give in to that one. It's been a year since I've done that. And I had to stop myself there.
.
I cried about what happened with you for the first time in a long long time. I'm not even sure if I was as happy then as I remember being. But it still saddens me. After everything, after months of going back and forth and finally finding ourselves on similar pages, last summer I thought it was the real deal. But it was never honest. And it was never about us. There was you. And there was me. But there was never really us. I pretended there was an "us" for a while. I walked around in blissful ignorance. I think that's why it hurt so much at the end. Everything I had tried to deny for so long.. Everything we pushed aside into the shadows was finally brought to light. I think the truth of it is that we fell in love with the idea of each other. Looking back over the whole year-long story, it doesn't seem real to me. Sometimes I don't know if it happened the way I remember it. Even the very end seems somehow altered in my memory. And that frustrates the hell out of me. How can something I don't even remember exactly continue to keep me awake at night? I hurt you in the beginning. You hurt me in the end. I don't even know how you felt in the end. I don't even really remember the end. I do. But I don't really. It's all a blur now.
.
I never blamed you. But I did. I didn't blame you for what happened between us. But I blamed you for how it influenced me. How I haven't been able to get that close to anyone since. How I haven't even given anyone the chance to get that close to me. How I go to bed alone and wake up alone. How I can't bring myself to rent Watchmen or eat clementines in the car. How I won't let myself get rid of that dress you first saw me in, even though I'll probably never wear it again.
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I walk around pretending it doesn't hurt anymore. And I've done a good job convincing even myself that I've moved on.
.
I don't want you to worry or apologize or feel guilty or anything. I still think about it though. I suppose that's what this whole thing comes down to. I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm livng my life and I am generally pretty content with things. But I was told tonight that I have the mind of an artist and I think more than most people and that can cause me more pain than any thing you ever put me through.
.
I don't miss it. And I don't want it back. But I left my heart somewhere in the late warm night air of last summer. The boys these days don't seem to understand that I don't have anything to give them.

cofte24 @ 2009-05-17T18:09:00

2009-05-17T22:13:56Z

I'm moving home in August.
And I hate it.
But this is what needs to happen so I don't fuck up college any more than I already have.
And I won't have to be home for dinner or anything.
It's just someplace to live.
Right?
.
I feel like I've failed somehow.
I feel completely defeated.

cofte24 @ 2009-05-08T04:46:00

2009-05-08T08:47:44Z

Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?

Well well well.

2009-05-03T20:47:56Z

After 7 years, he finally kissed me.
.
Thank god.

My own worst enemy.

2009-04-20T16:43:05Z

I hate it when I feel like I look a lot better when I haven't been eating more than one meal a day for 3 weeks.

I feel like a...

2009-04-15T13:12:24Z

middle school girl heartbroken over her crush asking her best friend to the spring fling.
I'm so confused.

Jay chronicles

2009-03-31T20:30:32Z

"You're too pretty to be sad all the time"
Jay is insane and wonderful.
.
I am SO sleepy.

Today is my day.

2009-03-31T12:15:27Z

I woke up at 3:45 and took an adderall and went back to sleep for an hour. I got up by 4:30 and made tea and did the dishes and chainsmoked a shit ton of cigarettes. I took care of Dylan, who is sick. I woke up Shelley and made her tea as well. Then I talked. I talked for two hours straight. I talked at Shelley, since she was still pretty much asleep. But I need to talk. I need to unlock the secrets I keep in my heart. As corny as that sounds, I need it. I need to put everything out there because life is too fucking short for me to let all the bullshit I have clog my soul. Starting today, I am making changes in my life. I am going to go back to the Psychiatrist and see what they have to say and see what they think will help me. I am going to bring my grades up. I am going to audition my heart out. I am going to work hard and save my money. I am not going to smoke so much pot or stay up so late every night. I am going to change for the better.
.
I know that I say things like this every now and again and it never works out. But this time it's for real. I can be a better person and I can be successful and I can be happy. And it's about damn time I let myself do that. And this time it's different, too. I have an urban family who believes and me and supports me and they will push me to make these changes that I want to make. Because they know that this is what I need to do to be at peace with myself, for the first time in a long long time. It's going to be hard. And they know that. And they want to help me. They won't let me push them away like I did all my friends last year. They are here to stay. And I believe they are honest when they say that.
.
I am changing my life for the better. And I can do it. Watch me.

cofte24 @ 2009-02-25T18:46:00

2009-02-25T23:51:50Z

I haven't posted in a while. No internet at the apartment :(
.
I thought I had a lot more to say than I do.
Things really suck right now. That's about it.
.
I am in such a better place now than I was this time last year but everything still feels so wrong.

Sleepless, again.

2009-01-29T07:27:08Z

It's been a little while. Sorta. There's not much to say though. Nothing is new. Everything is ok right now. Nothing is bad, but nothing is really good either. Just. Ok.
.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of "letting go" of, well, anything really. Loves. Friends. Places. Feelings. Anything. Why are we so prone to hold on to things even after it's ended? We know things have changed, people have changed, feelings have changed; and yet we stay awake at night realizing over and over again that we still want it and/or feel it etc. And does it really matter whether or not it is still a factor in your life? Wouldn't you still feel the same, even if whatever it is you're "letting go" of was still in your life? Or does that just make it harder-a daily reminder of what you've lost? Can we get to the future when the past is present?
.
I know I'm rambling. And I apologize.
I'm not even making much sense to myself right now.
.
I'm going to Tampa this weekend to party with movie stars and try to get them interested in my dad's company. Maybe I'll hand out some business cards of my own. "Oh heeeeeeey Kevin Costner! What's that, you say? You're directing a film next year? And you think I'd work for a supporting (but still big enough to jump-start my career) role? WELL that's wonderful! Here's my card. We'll be in touch." HA. As if. That's the optimistic actor inside of me that likes to ignore the reality of the busines. Well, movie deal or not, I do plan on having a fabulous time while I'm away. I can't wait to be in a warm place where I can feel the sun on my skin. Hopefully, I'll come back to dreary ole Richmond with some freckles.
.
I'm starting to get back into my one-minute-I-could-rule-the-world to the next-minute-I-want-to-sleep-under-a-rock-forever cycles. I think it's because I don't have a lot going on right now besides classes. I need to find a job like you wouldn't believe. I have no money. My parents have no money. I don't know who is paying my rent for February because I definitely don't have it all. UGHHH. Hopefullly, with my birthday next week, my relatives will make their contibutions to my debt to everyone in the Commonwealth. I hate thinking like that. My budgetting around this time of year always factors in what I usually get for my birthday. Oh well.
.

I feel really old tonight.
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I wish Maggie would come home. Even when there are other people here, I always feel alone when she's not. Something about that lady gives me this subtle sense of home. Comfort. She's become my Linus blanket.
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[They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone]

cofte24 @ 2009-01-17T03:50:00

2009-01-17T08:53:57Z

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning.

As break comes to a close...

2009-01-10T07:55:14Z

Maggie and I went to the National tonight to see OPM, who didn't actually play...but we saw three great featured bands! It was so much fun...I don't think I've been to a concert in a year and a half. I forgot how much I enjoyed it.
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We made friends with the sound-op, Dustin, and that was pretty sweet. We got to hang out by the sound/light boards (which were very impressive). Dustin let Maggie listen to Colin Healy and the Jetskis with the big cover-half-your-head headphones. She said it sounded so phenomenal. I was a little jealous I didn't get to listen =P Dustin asked Maggie out on a date, which we both found a little odd, I think. What's a middle-aged soundboard operator doing asking out an 18-year-old concert go-er? I dunno...He was funny and made the experience completely unforgetable.
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Being myself, I ordered a Roy Rogers from the bar. For those of you unfamiliar with this drink, it's basically a Cherry Coke made at the bar. You can't call it a "Cherry Coke" technically because that name is trademarked, and besides, a Roy Rogers is made with coke and grenadine, which isn't technically cherry-flavored. Anyway, I ordered a Roy Rogers and Maggie and talked to the bartenders for a bit about the difference between "bar coke " and "regular coke." There is a distinct taste difference, and also a difference in the syrup vs. soda water ratio. Anyway, after talking to the bartenders for a while, we were feeling pretty good about ourselves and our ability to talk to people and went about enjoying the music. Amidst sets, Maggie and I stepped out to smoke. Two guys followed us, saying to the bouncer "We're just trying to get away from the 13-year-olds!" as they exited. Seeing as there were a great deal of high-school type people at this concert, Maggie and I laughed at their comment. Amused at our reaction, one of the guys said "yea the bartender said there are some thirteen year olds ordering Roy Rogers? or some shit lke that." I replied with, "Yep, that's us." Being the deductive reasor he was, he was able to piece together that thirteen year olds probably wouldn't be out smoking between sets, nor would they have piercings and tattoos. He apologized and went awkwardly on his way. When we returned inside, I went back to my pal, the bartender, and thanked him for talking shit about my Roy Rogers. He asked me what I was talking about at first but after I explained my encounter with the Smokerboys, he was quick to apologize. He gave a stern look over at his female co-bartender, and grumbled a "thanks..." under his breath, which leads me to believe she was the one assuming Maggie and I were so much younger than we were. He asked how old we really were and was much more sincerely apologetic once his information was straight. I told him to be careful; we might switch to the bar on the other side of the house. He apologized again and watched me as I walked away with my 3rd Roy Rogers. I didn't go back for any more drinks.
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Maggie and I hung around the National for a bit after the bands played, mostly because OPM still hadn't come out and we were expecting another awesome set. But they never played; we have yet to determine why. We chatted with a few of our friends we had run into doing the whole wasn't that a great show?s and it was so great to see you!s.
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When we walked out of the National, fate stepped in. We ran to the Village for a quick bite, and ran into none other than Thomas Richardson. We did the quick hey how are you?s and Maggie and I found a table. He soon joined us, laying his jacket beside me and placing his pitcher of water on the table. We caught up over Maggie's fries (thank you thank you thank you!) and I became that giddy freshman girl I was when he and I first met. He talked about his success so far being sober and I couldn't be more happy for him. I'm so proud of him. He couldn't stay at the Village long which broke my heart, but it was so wonderful to see him.
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Maggie dropped me off at home after that. I put on As Good As It Gets, since I hadn't seen it in a while, and poured a glass of wine. About an hour into the movie Thomas called me. We talked for nearly twenty-five minutes. About everything from what we've been up to lately to spirituality to our living situations in the future to how school is going to how no school is going to my boy drama and his girl drama and everything inbetween. God I think that if we hadn't been so tired, we would have talked forever. I miss him so much. But I am so happy for him. He's grown so much. He's come into himself so much. He's becoming this amazing, open, honest, level-headed, spiritual person that he only showed briefly and rarely before. I couldn't be more proud of him. It makes me cry. He laughed at that and told me not to cry over him, even if they weren't sad tears. And he said he was proud of me too, for being so much stronger this year. We've been through hell and back together, even when we didn't realize it. I've come to think of him as a very close friend to me, although these conversations don't happen nearly as much as I wished they did. He gives off this hope, this inspiration. He makes me believe that I can be better and will be. I love him with my whole heart and I've told him that every time I've seen him since we first became friends. He's finally started to say it back.
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One of the main topics of our conversation tonight concerned spirituality. It doesn't matter what religion you are or what you've chosen to believe. It doesn't matter if you want to pray to a God or a lot of gods or a rock or a fish or a fucking toothbrush. But before you go to sleep, you should always, always think about your day for what is was. Think through all the bullshit and remember all the wonderful things every day offers you. I know this sounds extremely optimistic, especially for me, but this is about finding comfort. When we were kids, it was a bear or a blanket. It was mom singing a lullaby. Or the sway of a rocking chair. As we grow older, however, we lose these things. We lose the sentimentality with which we hold these things. That bear that I could never live without is somewhere in a storage box now. So what do we do to find that comfort we need to get through the night? What do we do to find that comfort we once believed we'd die without? We're not dead. We still need comfort. I offer this to you all. When you go to sleep tonight or tomorrow or sometime next week after you've read all of this, count your blessings. I've said it before, I know. But I'll say it again and again and again. Take a moment to think of how the sun felt on your arm when you drove into work this morning. Or remember laughing at your roommate for having silly bed-head. Little things, at first. These are easier. Easier than remembering how even if your home situation is extraordinarily shitty, like mine is now, it wasn't always that way, and you grew up well because of it. Easier than believing that you are stronger now than you used to be and the same situaitons wouldn't throw you as much were you to experience them again. Everyone has something to be thankful for. So please, readers, count your blessings. Smile through the bullshit and remember that life is worth living.
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"That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have."
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As I bring this to a close, the title line of this movie comes back to mind. Melvin storms through his shrink's office and asks the other patients, "What if this is as good as it gets?"
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Well, readers, if he'd asked me, I would have said, "I don't think that's so bad at all."
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If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings